Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
