i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
