I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
