I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
