Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
