I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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