we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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