I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
