I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
