you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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