I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
