i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
