I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
