What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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