Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
