Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
