At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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