we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
