the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
