Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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