It's like God shit irony all over that family
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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