Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
please don't ironically join a cult
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
