and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
