Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Every concussion has its silver lining
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
