just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
