6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
