You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
