Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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