the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
