We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
