Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
