I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
