I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need a burrito and a hug.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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