You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
