things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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