I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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