i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Randomize
