Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
