Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
