good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All the doctor said was why
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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