I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
