you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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