As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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