My hair reeks of homosexuality.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
