i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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