i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
