If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
