I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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