I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
