You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
